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Sunday, February 29, 2004
'cuz i like you i like you i like you...
Mmmm... allow me to share a revelation with you.
It just happens.
That’s it. Apply it to any situation.
You’re born. You die. You love. You lose. You win. You leave. You come back. You find your purpose. You miss your identity.
Your mate kills himself. Your sister’s life is saved. Your best friends cheat on you.. with each other. Your best friends come out.. with each other.
Before this gets too heavy, I’m actually making a positive point.
Suddenly.. it stops hurting. And you do it all over again. It just happens! No matter how you plan, or analyze, hope or despair, it’s here one day and gone the next.
Suddenly.. I like men again. I mean, out of *nowhere*. I had nothing to do with this.. and I think I like it that way. My mind continues to surprise me. People continue to surprise me. Life continues to surprise me.
It was a good spring break.. but I have no idea why. Now that it’s over, everything has changed.
10 points to whoever can name the movie that quotes this poem :)
[He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.]
And yet... WH Auden loved again. I think that’s my point.
It just happens.
That’s it. Apply it to any situation.
You’re born. You die. You love. You lose. You win. You leave. You come back. You find your purpose. You miss your identity.
Your mate kills himself. Your sister’s life is saved. Your best friends cheat on you.. with each other. Your best friends come out.. with each other.
Before this gets too heavy, I’m actually making a positive point.
Suddenly.. it stops hurting. And you do it all over again. It just happens! No matter how you plan, or analyze, hope or despair, it’s here one day and gone the next.
Suddenly.. I like men again. I mean, out of *nowhere*. I had nothing to do with this.. and I think I like it that way. My mind continues to surprise me. People continue to surprise me. Life continues to surprise me.
It was a good spring break.. but I have no idea why. Now that it’s over, everything has changed.
10 points to whoever can name the movie that quotes this poem :)
[He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.]
And yet... WH Auden loved again. I think that’s my point.
# posted by Spot @ 11:07 p.m.
0 comments
Friday, February 27, 2004
New and Improved
Today was a good day.
In fact, the last few days have been good. My mother, grandmother and I took a semi-spontaneous road trip to Ottawa.. and stayed in the Laurier. Very posh.
I got to sleep in a bit, which was good. Got to play squash with Ottawa David, which was better. I was, incidently, woefully unpracticed compared to David who, it turns out, practices every Friday. Still, it was great. [David's mom is one of my mom's university friends. One of those people who's known me since before I can remember].
After more than a week of late nights and early mornings I've started to develop a cold.. but Mom's sleeping at grandmama's tonight, so I get to *go to bed for more than 7 hours!*
Even better, I've got a tennis game scheduled for tomorrow morning. Bad news is it's for 9:30.
You would think that I'm excited about raquet sports, but this actually isn't the case. Rather, I'm excited about having fun and doing stuff with *people*. It's not as hard as I thought.
Only I could make a social event out of watching TV on a Thursday night.. but I did. Word of warning for wherever I end up next year: we will be watching the West Wing, CSI and/or ER together and you will like it!
In fact, the last few days have been good. My mother, grandmother and I took a semi-spontaneous road trip to Ottawa.. and stayed in the Laurier. Very posh.
I got to sleep in a bit, which was good. Got to play squash with Ottawa David, which was better. I was, incidently, woefully unpracticed compared to David who, it turns out, practices every Friday. Still, it was great. [David's mom is one of my mom's university friends. One of those people who's known me since before I can remember].
After more than a week of late nights and early mornings I've started to develop a cold.. but Mom's sleeping at grandmama's tonight, so I get to *go to bed for more than 7 hours!*
Even better, I've got a tennis game scheduled for tomorrow morning. Bad news is it's for 9:30.
You would think that I'm excited about raquet sports, but this actually isn't the case. Rather, I'm excited about having fun and doing stuff with *people*. It's not as hard as I thought.
Only I could make a social event out of watching TV on a Thursday night.. but I did. Word of warning for wherever I end up next year: we will be watching the West Wing, CSI and/or ER together and you will like it!
# posted by Spot @ 12:11 a.m.
0 comments
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
absolutely no thought went into this
Hey everybody! Well, well... this is spring break. Not bad. I had a choice a few days ago: I could use the break to "work through" what I'm feeling some more, with the possible advantage of getting all better sooner. Or I could repress, repress, repress.
A little from column A, a little from column B. Mostly B. With Mom in town it's increadibly easy to keep busy. I know it'll just come back once she leaves... but for now, there's some relief.
I just want to say I haven't forgotten about everyone. I'm just trying to forget about myself :)
Before this becomes too dark, I should mention the fun I've been having. Eating out, staying out, movies, some shopping... material culture at its best. I'm gonna work on developing some friendships in Montreal this week... I went out to dinner last Friday and met some pretty cool people. It's good.
I'm talking to someone on MSN who's inspired me to make a public service announcement. I prophesize that Kerney Lake Road will never be updated again, and Nova Scotia Copycat will appear on MSN no more. I am partly responsible, and therefore sorry. That is all.
A little from column A, a little from column B. Mostly B. With Mom in town it's increadibly easy to keep busy. I know it'll just come back once she leaves... but for now, there's some relief.
I just want to say I haven't forgotten about everyone. I'm just trying to forget about myself :)
Before this becomes too dark, I should mention the fun I've been having. Eating out, staying out, movies, some shopping... material culture at its best. I'm gonna work on developing some friendships in Montreal this week... I went out to dinner last Friday and met some pretty cool people. It's good.
I'm talking to someone on MSN who's inspired me to make a public service announcement. I prophesize that Kerney Lake Road will never be updated again, and Nova Scotia Copycat will appear on MSN no more. I am partly responsible, and therefore sorry. That is all.
# posted by Spot @ 12:58 a.m.
0 comments
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Brain! You’re not *that* smart.
I have a friend here at McGill who can fool himself into thinking his assignments are due a week before they actually are. So he’s always a week ahead of the deadline.
Last night I was in the opposite situation. Although I tried to tell myself countless times this weekend to *work*, the impetus just wasn't there. By the time I started it was already too late. I finished the Detective fiction but just couldn't get through Canadian Studies.
Good for my our Can. Studies prof gave us an unasked for extention today. The paper I couldn't finish last night is now due tomorrow! Let's hope I can finally put all these distractions behind me and finish this thing.
Did you know that...
According to research and my British Literature professor:
For men, the most traumatic event in their lives is the death of their mother.
For women, the most traumatic episode of our lives is.. divorce. Women have much more trouble dealing with divorce than with parental death.
There's a lesson in all of this... if losing a lover is worse than losing a parent, maybe women are better off not dating.
Last night I was in the opposite situation. Although I tried to tell myself countless times this weekend to *work*, the impetus just wasn't there. By the time I started it was already too late. I finished the Detective fiction but just couldn't get through Canadian Studies.
Good for my our Can. Studies prof gave us an unasked for extention today. The paper I couldn't finish last night is now due tomorrow! Let's hope I can finally put all these distractions behind me and finish this thing.
Did you know that...
According to research and my British Literature professor:
For men, the most traumatic event in their lives is the death of their mother.
For women, the most traumatic episode of our lives is.. divorce. Women have much more trouble dealing with divorce than with parental death.
There's a lesson in all of this... if losing a lover is worse than losing a parent, maybe women are better off not dating.
# posted by Spot @ 8:55 p.m.
0 comments
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Boo Boo Kitty F*ck
Ok, I'm still in a bad mood. I thought I should say that right off the bat :)
In better news, Gabe totally treated me to everything I wanted last night. Coffee, a big slice of decadent chocolate cake and a shoulder to cry on. *sigh*. I felt so good by the time I left that I was smiling, which "is big...for me" [quoting: Finding Nemo]. Then someone from the grenadier guards tried to recruit me for the summer, which seemed interesting. Too bad I'm a weakling! Turns out girls have to do 9 push-ups to join the Canadian Armed Forces. I can do 1. So sad it's funny.
Anyway... remember the time that John laughed so hard he threw up? Man, that was funny, and I wasn't even there. Well, it happened to me last night. I was browsing some sinfest before bed. I've learned my lesson though: only Dickens before bedtime.
Ok, a plane ticket to Halifax would cost 257.77$. Which is great, really. My mom will be here Saturday, and she's staying 'till March 1. Which is bad, really. I'm going into agressive negotiations tonight. Wish me luck!
In better news, Gabe totally treated me to everything I wanted last night. Coffee, a big slice of decadent chocolate cake and a shoulder to cry on. *sigh*. I felt so good by the time I left that I was smiling, which "is big...for me" [quoting: Finding Nemo]. Then someone from the grenadier guards tried to recruit me for the summer, which seemed interesting. Too bad I'm a weakling! Turns out girls have to do 9 push-ups to join the Canadian Armed Forces. I can do 1. So sad it's funny.
Anyway... remember the time that John laughed so hard he threw up? Man, that was funny, and I wasn't even there. Well, it happened to me last night. I was browsing some sinfest before bed. I've learned my lesson though: only Dickens before bedtime.
Ok, a plane ticket to Halifax would cost 257.77$. Which is great, really. My mom will be here Saturday, and she's staying 'till March 1. Which is bad, really. I'm going into agressive negotiations tonight. Wish me luck!
# posted by Spot @ 12:09 p.m.
0 comments
Friday, February 06, 2004
Thank Gord for Plans
It's a bad day.
Sorry, I know I've been having lots of those. I have reason, but I'm gonna try to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Or slipper-straps.
I am overwhealmingly glad that I have plans for tonight. Graham, Caitlin, Bob, Alex and whoever else are going to Peel pub for lupper. Lunch and/or supper. Probably supper: it'll be 5 by the time we get there. Then we come back here for movies! Which means I have to clean, which is good because I think there's more kleenex than carpet in my apartment right around now.
I'm going to call people on my list now. Make some other plans, for next week probably. If you feel like performing an invaluable service for me, gimme a call.
Like I say over and over again, I appreciate it. While I must do a lot of this by myself, it's good to have someone to talk to when I need it. At the same time, let me know if you don't want to talk. I don't want to tire my friends out :)
Positive: I got my UVIC application in! Horray!
Sorry, I know I've been having lots of those. I have reason, but I'm gonna try to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Or slipper-straps.
I am overwhealmingly glad that I have plans for tonight. Graham, Caitlin, Bob, Alex and whoever else are going to Peel pub for lupper. Lunch and/or supper. Probably supper: it'll be 5 by the time we get there. Then we come back here for movies! Which means I have to clean, which is good because I think there's more kleenex than carpet in my apartment right around now.
I'm going to call people on my list now. Make some other plans, for next week probably. If you feel like performing an invaluable service for me, gimme a call.
Like I say over and over again, I appreciate it. While I must do a lot of this by myself, it's good to have someone to talk to when I need it. At the same time, let me know if you don't want to talk. I don't want to tire my friends out :)
Positive: I got my UVIC application in! Horray!
# posted by Spot @ 2:32 p.m.
0 comments
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Death from above
I was almost severely injured today. I take my film noir class in McGill’s architecture building, which is a five-storey house-like building in the middle of campus. Just as I was walking into the building today a huge sheet of ice smashed to the steps in front of me.
Meep!
The other day I was asking Dave if he’s ever had a near-death experience, and of course he said no. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had one either, though my sister almost died as a toddler and I remember that quite well. It was the first time I remember praying, and it worked.
Being in this relationship has put some stress on what faith I have as a Catholic. According to my religion, having sex before marriage is a mortal sin, no question. Although I would never hold anyone else to such a ridiculous standard, I have trouble being a half-hearted Catholic. If I’m going to go to church, I’m going to obey the rules.. I can’t pick and choose.
So I chose the relationship, and stopped going to church. As I see it, that was the only choice I had: my church didn’t want me if I wasn’t genuinely sorry for doing what I liked to do.
But now I’m thinking about getting back into it. I won’t be commiting the big sins on a regular basis anymore, and I could use the support a faith community offers. I just hope some of the craziness of my church has leeched out.
All this because I almost got smashed in the head by a bunch of falling ice. Funny what counts as a sign nowadays.
Meep!
The other day I was asking Dave if he’s ever had a near-death experience, and of course he said no. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had one either, though my sister almost died as a toddler and I remember that quite well. It was the first time I remember praying, and it worked.
Being in this relationship has put some stress on what faith I have as a Catholic. According to my religion, having sex before marriage is a mortal sin, no question. Although I would never hold anyone else to such a ridiculous standard, I have trouble being a half-hearted Catholic. If I’m going to go to church, I’m going to obey the rules.. I can’t pick and choose.
So I chose the relationship, and stopped going to church. As I see it, that was the only choice I had: my church didn’t want me if I wasn’t genuinely sorry for doing what I liked to do.
But now I’m thinking about getting back into it. I won’t be commiting the big sins on a regular basis anymore, and I could use the support a faith community offers. I just hope some of the craziness of my church has leeched out.
All this because I almost got smashed in the head by a bunch of falling ice. Funny what counts as a sign nowadays.
# posted by Spot @ 3:18 p.m.
0 comments
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Lists, lists
So I noticed something about my list yesterday. Most of these things I'm grateful for have to do with the future... not the present.
And I remember this from before. When I was graduating from SA I couldn't wait to get out of the house. And it was good, no doubt about that. But in my joy, I might have overlooked what I would miss about SA, and I do miss a lot. Lunch, mostly.
So today I start a new list, partly because my initial post today sounds a little sour-grapey: what I will [probably] miss about Montreal/McGill next year:
1) The underground: Montreal has a huge underground city.. North America's biggest, and I heard the world's biggest too, tho I doubt it. Point being, I can walk for miles without going outside.
2) Public transit: 27$ a month pays for unlimited transit. I can always go anywhere, I don't have to park, I can drink and get home safe.
3) Proximity to school. I can get up at 10:15 and get to my 10:30 with time to spare.
4) Proximity to groceries. This is actually ridiculously close. I'm 2 blocks away. I can drop by the store after class, if I don't feel like making supper I can just buy a bbq chicken.
5) Proximity to bars. Walking distance has different meanings, especially late at night with a couple of beers in you, but 5 blocks is pretty manageable. And Montreal is so big that if I walk on the main street I feel completely safe.
6) Low rent. I have this nice big place to myself because I can afford it. Yes, I plan to have roomates next year... but my rent will probably go up anyway.
7) Family. My grandparents and 3 aunts live here. Whenever I feel like it, I can spend a weekend in a real house, with real food. I might not be able to sleep in, but they've got cable and a very relaxing household.
8) Shopping. I'm not a huge fan of capitalism... but it's not just about clothes. There's an Indigo 5 blocks away, a Chapters a little further. Free reading!
9) Work. Substitute teaching, lifeguarding... I might not have always been employed, but when I was, the pay was better than it would've been back home.
10) Culture. Montreal keeps having free fun. Free movies in public parks in the summer, free concerts year round, big public libraries with video rentals!
11) Stuff: Movie theatres everywhere, a huge casino, an outdoor amusement park..there's always something to do.
Suddenly this place doesn't look so bad. And Dan just called to invite me to a kitchen party! Yes! People are calling! The best/worst part is that I've already got plans. Oh yeah.
And I remember this from before. When I was graduating from SA I couldn't wait to get out of the house. And it was good, no doubt about that. But in my joy, I might have overlooked what I would miss about SA, and I do miss a lot. Lunch, mostly.
So today I start a new list, partly because my initial post today sounds a little sour-grapey: what I will [probably] miss about Montreal/McGill next year:
1) The underground: Montreal has a huge underground city.. North America's biggest, and I heard the world's biggest too, tho I doubt it. Point being, I can walk for miles without going outside.
2) Public transit: 27$ a month pays for unlimited transit. I can always go anywhere, I don't have to park, I can drink and get home safe.
3) Proximity to school. I can get up at 10:15 and get to my 10:30 with time to spare.
4) Proximity to groceries. This is actually ridiculously close. I'm 2 blocks away. I can drop by the store after class, if I don't feel like making supper I can just buy a bbq chicken.
5) Proximity to bars. Walking distance has different meanings, especially late at night with a couple of beers in you, but 5 blocks is pretty manageable. And Montreal is so big that if I walk on the main street I feel completely safe.
6) Low rent. I have this nice big place to myself because I can afford it. Yes, I plan to have roomates next year... but my rent will probably go up anyway.
7) Family. My grandparents and 3 aunts live here. Whenever I feel like it, I can spend a weekend in a real house, with real food. I might not be able to sleep in, but they've got cable and a very relaxing household.
8) Shopping. I'm not a huge fan of capitalism... but it's not just about clothes. There's an Indigo 5 blocks away, a Chapters a little further. Free reading!
9) Work. Substitute teaching, lifeguarding... I might not have always been employed, but when I was, the pay was better than it would've been back home.
10) Culture. Montreal keeps having free fun. Free movies in public parks in the summer, free concerts year round, big public libraries with video rentals!
11) Stuff: Movie theatres everywhere, a huge casino, an outdoor amusement park..there's always something to do.
Suddenly this place doesn't look so bad. And Dan just called to invite me to a kitchen party! Yes! People are calling! The best/worst part is that I've already got plans. Oh yeah.
# posted by Spot @ 9:23 p.m.
0 comments
High
Today's blog is brought to you by the weather, the sun and spring.
I never thought I'd be so glad to be walking through slush, but it's a welcome change from -20 weather. Naturally, the good weather comes just after Dave headed back to NB. Oh well. I was going to say that we could've skated and toboganned outside in weather like this... but then I remembered Dave's absolute aversion to that kind of physical activity. Really, an aversion to most physical activity. This makes me feel mildly better for some reason. Actually, it makes me feel much better. I think part of being the dump-ee is remembering all the good and none of the bad of the dump-er.
So I'll make me a list. Nothing terribly mean or underserved. Just flaws... I think it might help put things in perspective. Don't worry: I don't think I would ever be so crass as to post such a list on-line. I will, however, be compiling it continuously. Please feel free to add to it by e-mailing me:
firstname.lastname [at] mcgill.ca. You should also feel free to call me. E-mail to get my number.
Maybe I'm being classless just mentioning it here. M'eh. It's not like I'm starting a hate campaign. It was as amicable as possible! I just can't remember why this could possibly be a good thing, and I'd like to.
I'm going out, before the sun sets. Beautiful Day.
I never thought I'd be so glad to be walking through slush, but it's a welcome change from -20 weather. Naturally, the good weather comes just after Dave headed back to NB. Oh well. I was going to say that we could've skated and toboganned outside in weather like this... but then I remembered Dave's absolute aversion to that kind of physical activity. Really, an aversion to most physical activity. This makes me feel mildly better for some reason. Actually, it makes me feel much better. I think part of being the dump-ee is remembering all the good and none of the bad of the dump-er.
So I'll make me a list. Nothing terribly mean or underserved. Just flaws... I think it might help put things in perspective. Don't worry: I don't think I would ever be so crass as to post such a list on-line. I will, however, be compiling it continuously. Please feel free to add to it by e-mailing me:
firstname.lastname [at] mcgill.ca. You should also feel free to call me. E-mail to get my number.
Maybe I'm being classless just mentioning it here. M'eh. It's not like I'm starting a hate campaign. It was as amicable as possible! I just can't remember why this could possibly be a good thing, and I'd like to.
I'm going out, before the sun sets. Beautiful Day.
# posted by Spot @ 4:12 p.m.
0 comments
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Do you realize??
Ahh, flaming lips.
I am officially down. Nothing big, to be expected, completely understandable. The fact remains that I don't feel like doing much of anything, and that includes blogging.
On the other hand, this is an important time to stay connected. As tempting as it is to stop doing what I usually do because it's not fun anymore, I think it's also important to realize that this will pass. And I want to keep traffic up on my blog in anticipation of happier days to come.
So I'm making a list of things I'm grateful for and things I've got to look forward to. Feel free to add to the list, or make your own!
1) I'm still smart
2) I still look pretty
3) I've got plans for Spring Break. Halifax!
4) I've got lots of plans for next year: law or education or some cool work program abroad
5) I've lost 20 pounds. Another 10 and I'll weigh what I did in grade 11.
6) I graduate in 3 months: maybe I'll get gifts!
7) More people call now.
8) Next year I'll have roomates, or old friends in town.
9) I just got a Valentine's package from my parents: always cool!
10) My classes are really fun.
I feel better already. It's snowing outside and
11) life is beautiful.
I am officially down. Nothing big, to be expected, completely understandable. The fact remains that I don't feel like doing much of anything, and that includes blogging.
On the other hand, this is an important time to stay connected. As tempting as it is to stop doing what I usually do because it's not fun anymore, I think it's also important to realize that this will pass. And I want to keep traffic up on my blog in anticipation of happier days to come.
So I'm making a list of things I'm grateful for and things I've got to look forward to. Feel free to add to the list, or make your own!
1) I'm still smart
2) I still look pretty
3) I've got plans for Spring Break. Halifax!
4) I've got lots of plans for next year: law or education or some cool work program abroad
5) I've lost 20 pounds. Another 10 and I'll weigh what I did in grade 11.
6) I graduate in 3 months: maybe I'll get gifts!
7) More people call now.
8) Next year I'll have roomates, or old friends in town.
9) I just got a Valentine's package from my parents: always cool!
10) My classes are really fun.
I feel better already. It's snowing outside and
11) life is beautiful.
# posted by Spot @ 8:24 p.m.
0 comments
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